Aftermath
by Ayrton
Summary: Tony/Carol/Angelica. Takes place shortly after 'The Mermaids Singing'/book and tv episode. About dominance,impotence,madness and healing: how the ordeal with Angelica affects Tony.


_**This story takes place shortly after 'The Mermaids Singing' by Val McDermid**_

_"We are threatened with suffering from three directions: from our own body, which is doomed to decay and dissolution and which cannot even do without pain and anxiety as warning signals; from the external world, which may rage against us with overwhelming and merciless forces of destruction; and finally from our relations to other men. The suffering which comes from this last source is perhaps more painful than any other." Sigmund Freud_

His wounds had healed, but the doctor stated that the aching in his muscles would be part of his days and nights for at least a month.

They were reluctant to let him go. Not that his health was still precarious, it was more his mental state the staff were concerned about. It wasn't every day they got to treat a patient who had been tortured by a mad serial killer and had lived to tell the tale. But Tony Hill seemed to be doing remarkably well, although he refused to speak about his narrow escape from death.

In order to find out more about the condition of the victim, Tony's doctor had resorted to googling 'Strapado'. The police did not exactly volunteer a great deal of information about the origin of the patient's injuries, nor did the man himself for that matter.When the doctor saw the old prints on the website with the most hits, he finally understood the state Tony Hill's body had to be in. He was lucky his joints had been strong enough to withstand the pressure. He could only imagine how a man must feel whose muscles were forcibly stretched to the limit.

Tony was surprised to see Carol downstairs in the lobby. Apparently she had taken some time off to be with him. He knew she felt obliged to do this, but it was the last thing he'd wanted.

"I'll drive you home.'" she ordered.

He followed her to the car, still too weak to try and convince her that he was perfectly capable of taking a bus. He carefully lowered himself on the passenger's seat and was glad to be off his feet. Even the short walk from the hospital room to the exit had cost him considerable effort.

"So, how are you feeling?" she asked, while slowly guiding her car through the busy traffic.

"Sore."

"I'm surprised they let you go already."

"They don't keep you in hospital for strained muscles. Nothing a warm water bottle and an aspirin can't cure."

She eyed him inquisitivly, but he refused to look at her. Instead he watched the cars go by while they slowly made their way out of the inner city. Very little was spoken the rest of the trip home. Carol was hopelessly useless as a listening ear for someone who needed to pour out his soul. Tony apparently, blessedly, didn't feel the need to do so. She got him home, sat him in his favourite chair and disappeared into the kitchen to put the kettle on.

"I can manage on my own, you know." he said, feeling quite useless and uneasy with her in the house.

He was glad to be home, but he needed to be alone. He needed to think about what had happened to him. There was no room for thinking in the hospital, what with all the drugs they had administered in the first few days. And then the dull, busy routine of hospital life had prevented him from reflecting on his ordeal. He had spoken to doctors, nurses and had listened to his fellow patients, but all he longed for was to go home, to be able to let the full effect of what had happened in Angelica's cellar sift through his brain.

And now Carol was here, painfully reminding him of what he could never have. Because if he learned one thing from Angelica, it was that he was unable to ever have a normal relationship with another human being. Angelica had shown him what he really was and it scared the living daylights out of him. Although he had been terrified about what she would do to him, he'd had the presence of mind to speak to her; to convince her that he too wanted what she was already putting into practice.

He was telling himself over and over again that he had been trying to save his skin, but deep in his underbelly there was always this tingle of excitement, that was trying to overwhelm his senses. When he had convinced Angelica to untie him, so he could show her how much he wanted her, he'd felt the confidence grow inside him and with that... his excitement had grown too.

And then it had happened.

When she'd kissed his chest on her way down, Tony Hill, the man who'd been impotent for years, had started to erect. He'd felt this sudden sense of power and dominance over the woman who went down on her knees before him and he knew that _he_ was the aggressor in this game. _He_ held all the power. _He_ was the dominant and he could do with her what he wanted; _make _her do what he wanted... But his mind convinced his body to do the sensible thing, instead of letting this wonderful feeling of total freedom and power take possession of his soul.

Eventually he had chosen the safe way out and had struck her down. He had saved himself from her madness, but it was already too late. This new demon inside him had managed to unleash itself. A demon he knew he couldn't fight. A demon he wouldn't fight. A demon so terrifying that he would never be able to share it with another living being.

Except maybe with Angelica. She'd understand. With her he could be himself.

For the rest of the world he would have to continue to pose as a human being as best as he could.

I

I

_This is part of a longer story about Tony/Carol and Angelica that's still in my head. I don't know if I'll ever manage to actually put it all into words._


End file.
